So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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