I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
