We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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