Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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