Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Randomize
