When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
