my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
