I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
