he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
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She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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