He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
