Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize