I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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