the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
