i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
