Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
