I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Pants are for mortals
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
