she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
