John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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