seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
