He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
