life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the condom got lost in my hair
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
