Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
