John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
