So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!