it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Is it because I queefed?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
