i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
