Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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