New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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