.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
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seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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