It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
In America we eat man semen.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
