I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
