Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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