she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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