you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You pole danced in your parka.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
