My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
