I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
