he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
