you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
