i don't like sucking hair
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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