he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
