note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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