So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
