i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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