you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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