So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
