dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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