Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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