it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We don't watch enough power rangers
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
