guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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