When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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