the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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