genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this beer tastes like vomit already
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
