The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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