Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Randomize
