So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
