cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
if only i could text you this smell
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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